And during all of this, these men, these straight men who were always my bully growing up or even in college classrooms, maintained their straightness while I was constantly reminded of how they despised my gayness even as I entertained their episodic gay-interests.Īnd I am not alone in being the object of ambivalent, conflicted desire by men who identify as straight. And over time – especially once I got to my very white college – the grabs from straight men became caressing or kissing or, for the bold, sex.